When you have so much to say…

… But just can’t say it 😐 I haven’t been able to gather my thoughts properly. Or appropriately. So I thought I’d share a journal entry from back in October. After sharing with a few close friends who went through the same thing, I shared a little more publicaly.. And figured I would leave it here as my next entry untill I am able to gather my thoughts right for another new one.

My intentions when I first wrote this was to just help ME heal, and to acknowledge my feelings in a possible different way. I shared with a friend just the very beginging because she too had been through a miscarriage also. After her feedback and hearing that October was “National Infant and pregnancy loss awareness month” I thought my story/expierence may help another female in their healing process, and that even though you are a Christian we do all fall short sometimes and that it IS okay to admit that, and it is okay to talk and share with others..

SEVEN… 4 empty. 2 negative, 1 positive. Thats how many tests it took for my heart to break into what seemed like a million pieces. Little did I know there would be ANOTHER handful of tests to keep my heart breaking. I had a feeling… Deep down before I even considered grabbing A test. My period was not matching up, Twice in one month?? Or so I thought. The odd cramps which I never get. Weight gain, Bloating, Spoting… SEVEN pretty much confirmed what I feared. I was pregnant and something was not right.

The whole way home from the store each time I grabbed more thinking are these defective? Does rite aide just suck? What the hell.. All I could think about was the sin I was carelessly messing around in for the past few months has finally caught up with me. I am not in a relationship. Im not also just intimate with a random person either. Is this god ? Is this the devil? WHAT kind of sign is this… I literally said those things out loud to myself. Not knowing what I was about to go through when it came to my body, my mental state .. AND my FAITH.

I contacted “dad” right away. I felt like I had too. We had been through a lot in general sinceΒ  I met him, He was one of my close friends. It seemed like the right thing to do. I didnt even ask him to come over and by the time I got home he was already at the house. I couldn’t even sit down, I have never done so much pacing & so much random picking up and putting down of things in my life. He asked what was going on and I told him all that I knew of at that time. At that time I still had 2 tests I had not taken also. Those 2 I took while he was there from same box. Negative & just empty. Empty like my head with thoughts I thought id have… Empty like my heart that very night thinking of all the “What Ifs.”

“Dad” was googling like crazy. Having 2 kids already, Similar situations and friends with kidsΒ  and miscarriages I didnt need to research anything. He had never been through a situation like this before… So I assume he was nervous and trying to make some sense of all of this. He kept asking, “What are WE gunna do? Whats our next step.” I kept trying to tell him thee only thing now is to wait till tommorow when I could get confirmation from a clinic or OB office. That was really the only next step. I was shocked by his choice of words… WE. Because technically there was no “We”, however it kind of gave me assurance I wasnt in this alone, Or so I thought. Random conversations kept going, Lots of tears, Some voice raising. I just wanted to sleep. I dont even remember at what point in time I told him I had a hunch I was miscarrying, I dont even remember exactly how it was all worded on my end and on his end but as soon as the question of “If your not.. What do we do. There are options you know.” came up I just instantly remember feeling sick knowing exactly what he was implying.

Even though I was not even 100% sure yet that I was indeed pregnant I KNEW there was no option other than having a baby, THAT baby. That beautiful tiny little human that was possibly growing inside me. I didn’t even think TWICE about any other option. I couldn’t endure ANY of that again. I explained that too him also, Telling him things that he never knew about my life over the past few years. I remember specifically saying to him “What does the bible say about abortion???”.. I am far from perfect and as a new believer am still learning what the Bible says, so for me to question someone like him felt almost out of line. However him being a christian and also a leader… I think it just spewed out that way. If that even makes any sense. I think I blurred out a lot of what else he said that night because some of it just hurt too much.

My cramping that entire night is what was scaring me the most. I had 2 children all natural and something like cramping shouldnt be hurting that much… Right? As soon as I woke up from literally only sleeping about an hour, I went to the clinic.

My OB couldnt get me in for a few days and I needed confirmation since everything taken the night before was so crazy. Typical urine test. The anticipation of waiting for those results was sickening. I felt like I was in the waiting room for hours when initially it was only 5 minutes before they called me back to tell “Congratulations. You are pregnant.”

All I could do was cry. I remember the lady asked me in question form almost… ” Im sorry??” I than explained everything to her about the bleeding & cramping. Blood work was taken and the ultrasound machine wheeled in. I asked her if she could please turn the monitor away from me, And to please not let me know how far along I was yet, Since my period was so out of whack a due date was hard to calculate. If I was miscarrying I did not want to see or know any of that. I had to wait for blood test results obviously. However an internal ultrasound confirmed .. “Baby in utero, But we will need to check your levels from blood work for sure.” .. What did that even mean ?? If urine test AND ultrasound confirmed why were we needed to look any further.. An instant sense of panic came over me. I remember telling myself “Ashley. You had a feeling something wasnt right to begin with. Relax.. Listen.” .. “Its a little complicated.” The nurse told me… Excuse my french but how the fuck is it complicated ??? PREGNANT, NOT PREGNANT. Seems simple to me. She than proceeded to go into detail about what was “seen and suspected” as she turned the screen towards me…

I sat in my car for about an hour hyperventilating with tears. My mind was racing, I was trying to calculate days, Weeks, Times I had sex… Last period. Last time I spotted, Last time I thought I had my period. I specifically told her I did not wanted to know estimated weeks along, Yet I was racking my brain trying to figure it out. Why? Because the screen was turned towards me to show me the little jellybean looking BABY that was created inside of me and “tissue” that is usually not shown unless miscarriage is possibly happening… Thankfully I already had an appointment set in place with my OB.

2 days later my bloodwork came back and my HCG levels were low. Lower than they should be for “how far along I was” .. Bloodwork again 2 days later and a follow up ultrasound in a week. I was told to “treat this as a miscarriage and do all I can to relax.” .. Mind blown.

Not only was that mind blowing but the fact that I had no emotional support from the ONE person who I assumed should be by my side through the next few weeks…. Was mind blowing as well. It was like as soon as he found out it was a miscarriage he just wrote me off, I felt like I was dusted under a rug, Like I was thrown in the garbage, Like I was put back into his box of secrets because as stated “We were protected. Extremely blessed.” .. I tried for weeks to see where he was comming from when he said those words, When he said “The enemy tried to rob him of his future. But god stepped in.” .. but I unfortunately could not understand. Does that make me a horrible person ??? Did he, Or does he really even understand this. Understand that his first child, Unborn yes… Was lost. Does he understand it doesnt just take a few days, Or even a few weeks to heal from something like this.. Physically AND emotionally. Not having any moral support.. Or any reaching out of the sort.. Made things only harder for the healing process. An ear… A shoulder to cry on, Hell the night we found out I let him cry a RIVER on mine. But NOTHING from him… Not even a text. That was untill I had to say something.

It was almost like I was hoping for a certain reaction, Emotion. And I kept digging untill I got it. Which I never did, Nor think I ever will. I just felt betrayed. And I just wanted him to UNDERSTAND. Thats really it..

I have no problem admitting my faults. It takes 2. I am JUST as much at fault yes. I will say that and take accountability till I am blue in the face. I surrendered everything over to god. I asked him for guidance, For healing. It takes time… 2 days after finding out about a pregnancy resulting in miscarriage you can’t just be healed and go on with your day and life as if it never happend. Or can you…

I swear in the next few up comming weeks after that I probably had 5 maybe 6 different appointments at the OBs office. My body was out of control. My HCG levels kept going up than down, Urine test said negative everytime they took one than once was positive yet again. The doctor kept telling me this was all “normal when going through a miscarriage.” Along with what seemed like never ending bleeding, clotting and cramps day AFTER day. I almost got to the point where I couldn’t handle it. Just when I thought it was going to stop, Itd start again. I had an ultrasound one of the very last few appointments to see if “everything had passed” … Those words are CRIPPLING. I guess they think thats the best way to put it. I mean… How else would they I suppose. I still had quite a bunch of “tissue” that hadn’t passed, They spoke of a possible DNC if by the next weeks apt it was still there. There was no way I could have a DNC. No, No, No.

Why me ??? I often thought that OVER and OVER. Was this punishment?? No… God doesn’t work that way. He would never take away an innocent life just because I was sinning… Right… ? Everything happens for a reason is something I have always told myself. I tried many many times to find the reasoning behind miscarrying and everytime I thought of one, Or a few … “Ashley you aren’t even in a relationship with the father. You sre struggling financially with 2 kids and yourself let alone a baby also.” … Id than retract the thought with .. “It doesn’t matter. Id give the baby all the love he or she needs. So would the girls. and financially I will figure it out as time goes.” … Still to this day I dont know WHY.

I guess thats just part of life. We dont always know why things happen or why they happen the way they do. But this is where my faith was SHOOK. Between not understanding and some of those words the father of the baby spoke… I had to seek out some kind of guidance, Spiritual guidance at that.

I guess I got a little ahead of myself. To spare some of the smaller details and tedious things. I did not end up having to have a DNC, The pregnancy fully “passed” .. It took quite some time which was tough for me. I still never found out how far along I was, I assume somewhat far… As many times I was given the “well with how far along you were this is still normal” speal quite a few times. Im not gunna lie, Some days I do wish I knew…

My heart is FULL of love, My intentions always with best interest, I care very deeply for those in my life, and those who were in my life and may not be anymore. I am not perfect, Not even close. I am a sinner, I am a child of god. And even in our darkest times, He loves us like no other. With this I will grow… πŸ’œ

– From my scattered brain, semi-broken and healing heart, With love πŸ™πŸ’™

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Life is too short …

I kept wondering how to start off my first blog. Should I post a prior one I had used on an awareness website, Or start a fresh one. Should I talk about something that means a lot to me, Should I give my opinions on a subject, Ask others thoughts about a subject..

Than I got a phone call about a friend of mine who was not supposed to make it through last night in the hospital, And a reminder that tommorow was the anniversary of ONE of my best friend, Ryan’s death. Needless to say the day was FILLED with emotions that I needed to get out somewhere, somehow and than I realized why I was starting this thing in the first place.

I don’t do well with death. I mean do any of us ?? Anytime it comes along weather it’s a loss for me, or a friend.. Or even a near death expierence. I start to question WHY. As we all do. And as everyone always says “God has a plan. We have to trust his plan.” .. Sometimes I just can’t grasp that. What’s his plan on why he took a beautiful baby who didnt even get to expierence a breath of fresh air, A 12 year old who has SO much potential in their life to come with all they have accomplished already, A wife and mom of 3 whose family will now have to spend their days without the glue that holds them together. We never know the reasons to certain things. I struggle with NOT KNOWING reasons. Not just for death, But life in general. So when it comes to death and never being able to see someone again untill possible after life, To wishing we said more to the person before we lost them, I kind of just shut down for a while.

When I was 16 I lost one of my best friends to a car accident. 2 weeks prior we had a huge argument on AIM. ( Remember when that was the cool way to communicate? ) He didn’t like the guy I had started to date. I told him he was “Jealous and just didnt want me to be happy.” and to “Never speak to me again.” … Needless to say that was the LAST time those words will EVER come out of my mouth! Knowing those were my last words I spoke to him, Knowing I couldn’t apologize and make things right. Knowing I couldn’t say all the words and things I really wanted too, To him about how I felt.. Killed me inside and wrecked me emotionally for years! Back in the 2000’s emailing our friends AIM conversations was a big thing. So i had the conversation in my sent box for gosh knows how long after he passed. ( Of course I sent it to another friend of mine being all dramatic about what an “ass” he was being. ) I would re read it OVER and OVER again TORTURING myself. Why do we do those things anyway ??? Its like when we have someone break up with us we listen to sad love songs to torture ourselfs. Us humans.. So strange. Sheesh.

It took a while for me to come to terms with what happend, With having so much to say and not being able too, and feeling like if we weren’t fighting I could have somehow prevented him from getting in the car that killed him that night. I was young. Grieving is so different at all ages and stages in our life also.

From the day however that we lost him I promised myself to ALWAYS speak truth to people in my life. When I love or care for someone on ANY level. Not just a significant other.. But friends, heck even acquaintances.. To ALWAYS make sure you tell them. When I was married I always told my husband he should always kiss me goodnight and before he left ANYWHERE. I also told my children that as well once I had them..

Tommorow isn’t promised. You dont want to live with those kind of regrets that you did not get to tell someone 3 simple words before you walked out the door because you were in a rush. or mad at them. Something so small as those things will become huge and significant if they are one day not there to be able to do and share those things with.

As my nephew wrapped his hands around my neck today for a hug and snuggles I couldn’t help but break down and cry.. If a toddler who is ONE can show love and emotion with a simple gesture why can’t we all ???

– From my scatterbrained, semi-broken and healing heart… WITH love πŸ™πŸ’›